He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
