8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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