No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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