My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
