Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
