Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
