Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
