my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
