his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
