I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
