so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
