I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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