Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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