I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
