Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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