3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
