2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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