I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
