I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
