One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
