Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
