remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize
