dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
