So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Holy sore nipples Batman
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
