Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
