and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
