Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
