awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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