i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
