i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
