so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Michael Bay diarrhea
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
