Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
