There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
