I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
