I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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