i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Randomize
