Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
