my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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