Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
