So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
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