There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
