she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
