i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
