Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
