Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
