The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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