I feel like I'm in dance class right now
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
