HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
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