i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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