Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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