you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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