I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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