Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I just saw a hot homeless man
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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